


It's Hard For Me To Say

by sunshinejade



Series: asynchronous [2]
Category: X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: M/M, hangyul is oblivious, kinda angsty, prequel to my Jealousy series, seungyoun is jealous but won't admit it, seungyoun sad hours open, super soft yohangyul, yohangyul is the ultimate bromance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-10-13 07:55:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20579087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshinejade/pseuds/sunshinejade
Summary: Seungyoun likes to ignore how everything he feels keeps pointing to developing something he never expected. And with the way Hangyul is ignoring him maybe it's better that he doesn't have the guts to admit it.





	It's Hard For Me To Say

**Author's Note:**

> It's hard for me to say  
I'm jealous of the way  
You're happy without me

He ignored the way he was slowly getting mad.  
He had no reason to be and it wasn’t as if his dongsaeng was behaving strangely.

Hangyul had always shown his affection through his body.  
Most precisely through his hands.  
After so long together it was common knowledge, no one addressed it yet everyone knew.  
His mother even said so, and to be fair even if she hadn’t they all would have noticed anyways and in no time they all had been on the receiving end of the boy’s touch at least once.  
It showed in the way Hangyul would tickle Dohyon, or the way he patted Dongpyo’s head.  
The way he would interlace his fingers with Wooseok’s after a high-five and the way he clung on Seungwoo’s arm on the night of their first win.  
The way he’d always look for Hyeonjun’s hand when next to him and the way he’d rest his hands on Junho’s broad shoulders.

For Seungyoun it was in the softness of his palm when he stuck the leader sticker on him while working on Move, in the way he held him by the elbows on finals night and the way his hand always found the back of his head and would slowly massage his nape, it was also in the way he’d excitedly tap on the older’s leg or violently pat his back. And sometimes it was in the way his fingertips would linger on his palm after Seungyoun squeezed his hand at the end of a long day.

So yeah, it was common knowledge and everyone had been subject to it, making the irritation at the pit of his stomach completely uncalled for.  
But there was something about what he was witnessing that made him completely scoff and raise his eyebrow in frustration.  
Maybe it wasn’t just the touches though, maybe it was the whole afternoon that had him in this upset mood.

He had offered to stay home with Yohan, to make sure he didn’t get hurt, while everyone was out doing whatever. Their group center was practically all good, his ankle only ever stinging a tiny bit if he stayed up too long, which Seungyoun was planning on not letting happen.  
He liked taking care of Yohan and he knew how demoralizing not being able to perform on their debut promotions was for the younger, so he was always trying to cheer him up and help him in the smallest things.  
Obviously, he knew he wasn’t the only one and was well aware that besides him the one who seemed more keen on taking care of the former athlete was his roommate himself. But somehow they always managed to avoid taking care of Yohan at the same time. (He ignored the gut-wrenching feeling that was telling him it was because his subconscious knew it would make him feel like this).

He knew Hangyul, apart from being very touchy, was also very caring. In small and not so straight forward ways.  
Like casually asking the kids if they had eaten, or purposely cooking for an army when he felt like preparing midnight ramen and refilling Dohyon’s not so hidden stash of cookies, complaining about Wooseok’s messy closet while still picking up his hyung’s dirty laundry and intercepting Minhee when he wanted to approach Seungwoo with small doubts or problems, thus making sure that the blonde, young boy had someone to talk to and at the same time their leader wasn’t too burdened or stressed.

The thing was, as Seungyoun was now starting to realize, that he had never seen Hangyul being openly caring and vocal about helping and taking care of people and the fact that it was now happening with Yohan somewhat added fuel to his annoyance.

(Truly he loved both of them and was happy with their building bromance, but didn’t they ever get tired of always being together?)

Hangyul had woken up so late that Sunday, that both he and the younger boy had forgotten he was still in the dorm.  
Seungyoun and Yohan had been talking non-stop all morning, easily switching topics every once in a while going back and forth between serious and silly conversations and soon before they knew it, it was lunchtime. Only then his roommate emerged from the second floor.  
He was still in his pj’s, for once wearing both bottom and top, and chirped around the kitchen taking out some stuff their families had sent to make sure they didn’t kill themselves with processed and fast food.  
Seungyoun, now not completely focused on what Yohan had been saying, kept stealing quick glances towards their accidental chef and the way he had grown accustomed to nimbly move between the stoves and the sink. He wasn’t the only one slowly getting distracted and sooner rather than later, the injured idol was stretching his neck to see what his same aged friend was doing in the kitchen.

“Do I smell food?” He yelled loud enough to be heard by the boy in the kitchen and standing from his spot on the couch.  
“Yeah, and don’t bother getting up. It’s not ready, yet. I’ll bring it your way in a few.” Hangyul replied in his thundering voice, rich with tenderness and laughter like always.

They had lunch on the living room floor and Seungyoun couldn’t stop the beaming, warm look in his eyes as he took in their warm, homemade food.  
There was Dongpyo’s mom’s kimchi, pickled cucumbers from Hangyul’s mom and season spinach from Dohyon’s aunt. In addition to that, his roommate had prepared both steamed, white rice and fried rice, a simple egg omelet and dried pollack soup. All relatively easy plates, but still much more than anything Seungyoun or Yohan could have made by themselves.  
It seemed he wasn’t the only enjoying the sight of food.

Yohan was practically squealing in delight, love shooting from his round eyes and hitting Hangyul’s thigh without much force behind it.

“You made soup!”

Hangyul gave him a full toothy smile (no sign of his usual tsundere shrug) as he gave his friend’s hand a light squeeze.  
“Well, you kept saying you’re cold these days.”

Seungyoun observed the little interaction, a little uncomfortable with feeling as if he was third-wheeling.  
Hangyul barely even looked at him, only to reciprocate the smile the older boy gave him and went on talking about something Seungyoun didn’t feel like listening anymore.

They mostly focused on eating, inhaling food left and right in order to refuel their tired bodies.

The damage had been done, though, he thought not so long after.  
Every time the two younger boys would as much as throw a glance to each other, Seungyoun could feel himself wince.

When Yohan made to get up and fetch them water, Hangyul placed his hand on his leg, pressed down and pointed to himself while munching on a spoonful of rice; when he got back with three glasses and a bottle of cola, the black-haired boy gave him a high five and smoothly interlocked their finger, placing their joint hands in his lap for a moment before going back to eating.

“Wanna watch that movie you told me about, later?”

Seungyoun tried not to feel affronted, but the way Hangyul had very obviously addressed his same-age friend only made it impossible for him not to frown.  
Yohan turned to Seungyoun with both eyebrows raised as if to ask him what he thought. They locked eyes for a few seconds, the older trying not to glare at the boy who had really no fault at all, but at the same time was causing so many distressing emotions to his hyung.

“HEY, Yohan-ssi I’m talking to you.” Said Hangyul, while chewing cutely, making the all-rounder sitting in front of him throw daggers at him with stronger intensity.  
“Well, if Seungyoun hyung is cool with it, yeah.”

He wanted to reply.  
What exactly he wasn’t sure, but he was sick and tired of not even being taken into consideration or asked.  
Hangyul beat him to it, promptly.

“Stop bothering Younie hyung!” He laughed giving Yohan’s head a light shove.  
He tried not to let his irritation decrease at the sound of his roommate's affectionate voice, he was still very much annoyed by the way he was acting. Not to mention how oblivious to his bad mood he sounded.  
The ash haired boy turned to him with that same smile he had since he was a kid and the fact that it didn’t do anything to improve his spirits spoke volumes.

“I know you’ve been trying to cut yourself sometime to work on music, so don’t worry I’ll entertain this idiot for the rest of the day.” He swung his arm over Yohan’s shoulders, trapping him in a loose headlock.

Not knowing how to reply (and just weeny bit touched by how Hangyul had apparently thought of him) he nodded even though he really didn’t want to leave the two of them alone.

All three of them got up at the same time; his roommate immediately leaning forward to clean up the scattered bowls on the table and he followed suit. He was bent forward, glancing up only to take in the absorbed face Gyul was making trying to balance everything in one pile. The position gave him the perfect angle to see their main dancer act with the fastest reflexes.

Yohan, ever in good faith, had tried to help them with the plates (how they managed to use so many when there were only three of them was a mystery) only to lose his footing while bending forwards. Hangyul’s hands hastily left the leaning tower of bowls to stabilize his friend, naturally grabbing X1’s center by the waist.  
This time, Seungyoun (as he got over the jump scare of seeing the boy by his side fall forward and noticing how his roomie had a firm grip on him longer than the all-rounder deemed necessary) let out a huff much louder than he meant.

Hangyul slowly and softly pushed Yohan down on the couch, telling him not to worry about it, to stay put as the other two cleaned up and the older boy quickly gathered as many dishes as he could, briskly walking to the kitchen to stop his ears from registering the husky, warm and worried tone the other kept using with the injured idol.

_Is that always the tone he gives Yohan when they aren’t joking around?_ He thought bitterly.  
_Is that how he takes care of him? Fetching him things, squeezing his hands, patting his thighs and talking in hushed, soft, worry?_

Seungyoun had known Hangyul mostly as the loud, wild and at times dumb roommate.  
He knew he was soft and kind and cute, but he always felt as if it was a side of him that only came out in subtle ways and he always felt lucky and special thinking that it was something he got to witness more than anyone else because they were sharing the same room. But what if he was wrong?  
What if he wasn’t the one who knew Hangyul better?

And all those touches… Hangyul was a physical person, that much was obvious.  
But maybe, just maybe, there was a small possibility that the veteran idol had unconsciously kept track of how much the younger boy touched everyone else and aside from Hyeongjun (who was slowly becoming to Hangyul what Dongpyo was to Seungwoo), Seungyoun had always been first place.

_Maybe if you didn’t know how it feels to have that grip on your sides it wouldn’t bother you as much._

And his mind was right because seeing the dancer’s fingertips linger on Yohan sides for a moment, made his torso burn in the same place and filled him with indignation. (Had he been in a joking mood he could have even yelled ‘RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY SALAD’ at them, but he wasn’t sure they would have gotten the reference anyways.)

He and Hangyul washed and dried and put the dishes away in silence and perfect sync, easily knowing how the other moved and with this bitterness inside of him (that he refused to identify as jealousy) he tried to let his fingers brush closer to his teammate’s, linger longer when passing him things and standing just an inch closer than he usually did.  
But it did nothing.

Hangyul kept getting the chores done, humming to himself completely unaware of how his lack of physical affection in the other’s direction was like a series of continuous jabs at Seungyoun’s ego.

After that one-sided embarrassing moment, he felt his heart clench and he jogged up the stairs without looking back until he reached the door to their room. With bitterness he heard the sound of laughing and the tv, a clear sign that his friend too had gone immediately to the leaving room without looking back.

*

He tried to work on a new piece he had in mind, the melody was done as well as most sound effects and demo ad-libs he threw in to pass the time.  
He had worked for three and a half hours straight and only stopped for a break three times.

First to fetch some water after 15 minutes (and also maybe to check if the other two were still laughing like maniacs; they were and that fuelled Seungyoun with a strange annoyance that kept him going for another hour of non-stop producing).

The second time was to see who was it that had just come back.  
(It was Eunsang and Dohyon, now eating ice cream on their bedroom floor).

The third time was 15 minutes before officially finishing the track, to stretch.  
His numb legs led him down the stairs soundlessly and he got as close as he could to the living room without being seen.  
It was easier than he thought because both of them had their backs on the hallway.  
They were talking and giggling to themselves so quietly he couldn’t hear what they were saying, but he could make out Yohan’s semi lying form and Hangyul head on his thighs, feet dangling from the armrests of the sofa and left hand playfully bouncing up and down in tandem with his friend’s right hand, making dull thuds on the dancers abs.

Whatever he was expecting to see it wasn’t that and instantly all the anger and displeasure he felt all day left his body to make space for gloomy and desolated pensiveness.  
He retreated to the bedroom and gave his new track a listen.

_Had it been this depressing from the get-go?_ He thought picking up and old notebook from his bag.  
_ Might as well just write the lyrics as well and finish it before dinner. It doesn’t look like they’ll be looking for me anytime soon._

Seungyoun kept on scribbling away, without thinking, just letting random words fall from his mind to the paper.  
At first, he wrote of struggles, of keeping up with people's expectations and proving wrong those who had doubted him; then he wrote about stress and uncertainty and how he felt so alone at times. But no matter the length he wrote it simply didn’t seem to fit with what the melody was trying to convey.

_Maybe it’s not a song about me,_ he thought_ and that’s why I can’t seem to find the words._

He tried to imagine a man, like him but not exactly.  
Seungyoun let the music on loop guide him through the story and suddenly the words came on their own.

This man that he kept on writing about was late, too late, in realizing what he felt about the woman that had the potential to be important. Maybe a lover even… maybe.  
But it didn’t matter anymore because feelings were messy and he had played his cards wrong and now the girl (girl?) had stopped looking for him. And maybe he should just settle for being friends even if it’s frustrating to not be the one on his - _her_ \- side all the time. To not be the one at the receiving end go his caress or his loving tone.

The track in the background played again from the top as he reread what he had just put down.

He ignored the way he passed from using female pronouns to neutral to male.  
He ignored how he was practically describing how he felt throughout the day.  
He ignored that question he’s had for a very long time in the back of his mind that wanted to know why his roommate always made him feel like a mess.

_It’s not a song about me._  
_ I’m not falling in or out of love with anybody, I’d notice if that was the case._

Wooseok opened the door to his room, still wearing his bonnet, mask and oversized cardigan; the producer impulsively closed his lyrics notebook.  
When the younger remained silent, he let his head softly hit the mattress.  
After another listen to the backtrack that was slowly pulling him in slumber, his doll-like friend laughed loudly over the music startling Seungyoun.

“Jesus, Seungyoun! Nice to know you were productive today, it’s beautiful I swear, but mind telling me who broke your heart?”

He ignored the part of his brain that answered _Hangyul_.

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a comedic jealousy trope with Seungyoun overreacting and getting angry, don't know why it turned out angsty.  
For anyone wondering, it's set a few days after "Do I always smile like that if you're around?"  
I just really liked hinting that Seungyoun feels as if Yohan is a threat to Seungyul's friendship yet loves Yohan like a little brother.  
Which leaves Seungyoun confused, cause I love confused Seungyoun.
> 
> If you have any request or question feel free to comment or @ me on twitter @sun_shinejade <3  
Kudos and Comments are always a pleasure, but as long as you've enjoyed reading I'm happy =)
> 
> HAPPY DONGPYO DAY, EVERYONE!


End file.
